The artist scuplts her a set of cherub lips,
two handfuls of breasts and twists her locks
with gritted stone. He sets her in a garden;
a fountain splashing ghosts onto her skin,
plants whispering their language in her ears.
Lavished with practice and knowledge, she is
preserved for your first touch.
She'll whisper that you're far too much.
The artist is a breath away and her eyes are screaming
"beauty and the beast". Cup the fruits of Eden
in your hands, exiled Adam, and ask her
Is your name
evening?
Wait until the sunrise bleeds across all of
your dirty deeds. This light catches the silver eyes
unblinking, dripping dew drop tears. Night stole away
the sinner, whose name was Abel's Cane, and our
[beast], morning, is infected with sickness and
has wrung out the last cherry...which shrivels with new life.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It indeed is difficult to follow... but makes the reader read it over to understand
break it down, rewrite the ligns so they have less syllables.
but overall i liked the imagery, and the theme of it
good job
keep writing and =) happy reading (=
I loved that part, I could really see what was actually going on. It made me think of one of those stone garden ornaments for some reason.
Although, one little itty bitty complaint, but then that's just me perhaps. The way you cut off lines halfway through to make a new one, the enjambent...it made things slightly difficult to follow at first.
But all that aside, my little grumble, it was a brilliantly written piece. Well done.
Loved it; especially the allusions. Thank you for not jumping around with your allusions and just sticking with Bible references....people drive me nuts when they flop between four different things hehe.
I think maybe this needs to be broken down a little more; it's more...complete...than most of your work. It did take me two reads to understand it a well...but noone understood Shakespeare upon first read either
Impressive.
Amego
Beautiful, but exceedingly difficult to follow. I love this bit:
The whole thing is gorgeous, but I can't understand it. I can hardly pull the images out. It overlaps and blends images and slides from one to the other so quickly and seamlessly that there's little to get a grip of, and it makes it hard to grasp. Also... this may seem weird... I really didn't understand the poem so I'm sure I'm wrong, but did you mean "Eve" instead of "Eden" here?
It just seemed that Adam was cupping her breasts in his hands, like the artist at the beginning, and that seemed like an Eve moment. That bit actually really reminded me of Bob Dylan's "Like A Rolling Stone", the bit that goes "As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes, and ask him do you want to make a deal?"
Anyway, sure that's just me. Gorgeously lyrical writing, even if didn't understand it. I'd say you just need to work on clarity here. Keep working on it.